I’m sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, I’ve been too busy doing this at every Pride event I can find:
No, just kidding. I’ve been sick. So the above was a total lie. I’m building an excellent trust-bridge with my readers right now.
Anyyyyywhoooooo, I’ve eluded to the issue of marriage equality in past posts but I’ve yet to talk about it directly. Today’s post will draw from a variety of sources, all giving reasons as to why two same-sex partners tying the knot will destroy the sanctity of marriage – AND THEN THE WORLD!
So, what’s the big idea? Why is gay marriage so horrible?
Yikes, is there even a point in continuing from here? This is reason #1 on the TFP Student Action site’s list of anti-marriage equality arguments, followed by an eloquent, “Calling something marriage does not make it marriage.” If that’s true… couldn’t I assert, “Calling something ‘not marriage’ does not make it ‘not marriage’”? (Excuse my triple negative and the end punctuation on that sentence – I honestly have no idea what to do there.) Marriage has typically been defined as the union between a man and a woman, true – but remember that time African Americans were defined as 3/5 of a person when it came to voting? THINGS CHANGE. Progress happens.
The list goes on to name gay marriage as A) a violation of natural law, B) a “naturally sterile union,” and C) a fad of the “sexual revolution.”
Yes, yes, same-sex love must be a violation of natural law because it IS in fact a sterile union – no matter how pro-LGBT I am, I can admit: IT’S A HELL OF A LOT HARDER FOR TWO DUDES TO MAKE A BABY THAN IT IS FOR A STRAIGHT COUPLE. But this (like every issue in the world) can be solved by watching Legally Blonde. Remember that scene where Elle argues against a defendant’s paternity claim based solely on his sperm contribution? She counters:
All masturbatory emissions where his sperm was clearly not seeking an egg could be termed reckless abandonment.
My point is this: If equal marriage is wrong because its violation of natural law cannot lead to a child, then isn’t every sexual act that cannot physically lead to a child’s conception considered wrong? Does this mean straight couples have to skip all the bases and run straight to home plate? (I’m so sporty with that reference, ermahgerd.) We can almost certainly rule out masturbation. And what about kissing? That ain’t gon make you a baby. Stop it. Stop it right now! End the kissing, end the madness, end the violation of natural law! From now on, the world’s sexual relations must consist of immediate and brief heterosexual penetration – any deviation can only lead to chaos.
And as for same-sex love being called a “fad” – this should suffice as my response:
My favorite argument from this site is that gay marriage “offends God.”
DOES IT? DOES IT THOUGH? I’d like to respond to this in three ways.
- For a list of things that offend God and that pretty much everyone does, please refer to this hilar HuffPost article. Included on it: eating seafood, getting tattoos, eating pork, getting remarried, and working on the Sabbath. Until you’re clean of all these sins, I’m not sure you can speak as to what does and does not offend God. What’s that quote? John 8:7 – “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone.” Equally important and relevant: “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ a lil gay!” – Honey Boo Boo.
- SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
- SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. AGAIN. Because why do people seem to not care about this? IT IS EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS.
Ok, ok, this is a topic worthy of two posts. I have a few other sites I’d like to address as well, so my next post will delve into the arguments regarding children, health, the “slippery slope” concerns, and some other adorable misconceptions homophobes have about marriage equality.
To be continued!