I’m leaving the country for a week tomorrow, and I won’t have internet, so here’s another fun blog post today (as it will be my last one for awhile). I’ll get back to ripping homophobes some new a**holes soon enough.
Summary of Pokémon
For those of you who never played Pokémon when you were younger, a question:What was even the point of your existence? To sum up the games, you start in a small town where there appears to be exactly one other kid your age, and he is your sworn arch-nemesis. You each get a Pokémon and spend your childhood wandering around ruining each other’s lives, beating the **** out of each other’s Pokémon companions, and generally hating each other more than anything else in the whole world. Like, this is some serious rivalry – I’m tempted to draw a God/Lucifer comparison, but I’m not sure that’s strong enough to describe the absurd degree to which these kids hate each other. Also, there’s typically this cult-like organization – Team Rocket, in the original games – that’s f***ing things up for you so horribly that you go out of your way to literally overthrow the entire group. Oh, and you’re trying to become the best Pokémon trainer ever. YOU’RE LIKE 10 BY THE WAY.
What if everything were just, like, gayer?
It’s kind of hard to write about a 10 year old being gay. Since this kid abandons home at the ripe age of 10 and decides on his own terms that it’s time to be a man, let’s pretend that the characters are a more appropriate age of 16. Let’s also say the protagonist and his rival both happen to prefer hot dogs to tacos. We’ll just play around with that hypothetical for a little. I think we’ll find life gets a whole lot easier. How would the game be different?
- First, these kids wouldn’t be at each other’s throats every minute of the game. If the only two guys from your hometown are gay - yea, they’re probably gonna hookup. It’s gonna happen. At the very least, they’re gonna be gay BFFs.
- Second, the newly formed dynamic duo would probably decide to travel the country together instead of individually – which, when you think about it, is A WHOLE LOT SAFER than letting a child roam from city to city alone, fighting grown adults and sleeping in caves and obsessing over catching every species of animal that exists.
- Third, the pair would collect all 8 Gym Badges in no more than half the time it takes in the heteronormative version of the game. You might be wondering why, and I direct you to my past post explaining how queer men excel when it comes to accessories.
- Fourth, the free time that opens up from A) completely dominating the Gym Badge challenge, B) not spending all their energy attacking each other, and C) using a buddy system when fighting off these motherf***ers gives our young queer heroes a lot more time for their extracurriculars, which consist mainly of destroying Team Rocket. I mean, we already know it takes just one kid to overthrow these maniacs – I feel like a couple of gays could finish the job in maybe an hour, two max.
- Fifth, our young queer-oes (queer heroes, roll with it) would probably realize that success isn’t as important as happiness, and they’d settle down together, taking over the Pokémon Day Care once that nice heterosexual senior citizen couple passes away. ORRRRR, THEY’D REALIZE SUCCESS IS HAPPINESS AND THEY’D STORM THE ELITE FOUR AS A PAIR, TAKING IT BY FORCE AND COMPLETELY OVERTHROWING THAT ELITIST OPERATION.
- Sixth, our new Pokémon Champions would use their recently obtained power (recently obtained by sheer force – let’s call a spade a spade) to put an end to the horrific enslavement of Pokémon that has persisted throughout their country’s history. They start by freeing their own Pokémon, and the rest of the Kanto region
is forced to do the same under penalty of imprisonmenthappily follows suit. Luckily, an improved system is formed over time where, when Pokémon want to, they can still engage in battles, just not to the point of KNOCKING EACH OTHER INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS.
- Seventh, the pair reforms Kanto’s education system. In the heteronormative version of the game, kids are never in school – they’re usually seen running around the woods and battling Pokémon against each other like total heathens.
- Eighth, crime is driven to an all time low. With Team Rocket out of the way, the countless “Grunts” enter the non-crime work force and rejuvenate Kanto’s economy.
- Ninth, the two gays completely transform the nations healthcare system. Whereas before Pokémon Centers were used as free health care centers for Pokémon, they are now available as free health care centers for HUMANS. BECAUSE PRIORITIES.
- Tenth, marriage equality is legalized, because, well, it would be in an otherwise utopian world, readers.
And just like that, we have a perfect world: Pokémon battles are waged in a more humane way, the economy is booming, crime is down, healthcare, education, and quality of life are up – all because two boys were open about their sexuality.