To My Year 7 Self – Straight But Not Narrow

“It’s up to you to educate yourself. It doesn’t matter if someone is bisexual, lesbian, gay, trans, intersex – you have Google. Use it!”

This is an awesome video of some Aussies addressing a younger version of themselves – a version less educated, less accepting, and maybe more narrow. It’s really touching, you should check it out! Plus, Aussie accents give me such eargasms. Sigh, *swoon*. The full site is here, and I think it’s a great LGBTQI+ ally project that they’ve got going on. Enjoy!

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June 21, 2013 · 1:21 AM

I Feel Like People Would Rather Have Gay Blood Than, Oh, I Don’t Know, DIE

I’m back! Tell WordPress the bitch is back!

I’m still going to make a Part 2 for my last post about gay marriage, I’m just giving myself time for all the feels to simmer down. So until then, I’m going to rage about blood donations.

Summary: Last month, I saw this Huffington Post article celebrating Canada’s change in gay blood donation policy. Like the US, Canada’s policy excluded gay men from ever donating blood, because apparently A) almost all gays have AIDS and B) gay men with AIDS want nothing more than to pass it along to as many people as possible. Mhm. The no-gays-allowed-ever policy remains in the US today. (Oh, and Canada’s “improvement” still refuses donations from men who have had sex with other men within the last five years. Is it even possible for an adult to live without sex for five years?!)

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I wish it WAS a joke.

The Queer Response: Are you f***ing kidding me? How is this a thing that makes sense to anyone? I bring the issue up because today, while I pretended to workout but really just scrolled through Amanda Bynes’ tweets, I received a call from my local blood bank (as I do every month or so) asking me to donate blood. I used to donate my life-saving, universally accepted, nectar-of-God O-neg blood all the time before I was out of the closet, but then BAM I was openly gay and suddenly tainted with the mere possibility of HIV or AIDS.

So every once and awhile, I get these calls. And I’m just like:

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But I never get angry at the people on the other end, because it’s not like they made the policy refusing gay men’s donations, but it’s always a little awkward when I interrupt them with:

Listen, I’m sorry, but I can save you some time. I can’t donate blood because I’m gay. I used to donate, I support donating – I’d like to save some lives, but I just can’t. ‘Cause the gay thing.

I’m trying to understand the mindset behind this FDA policy. I guess it made sense when AIDS was all shiny and new and nobody understood it (sort of like Instagram’s new video feature, for a modern-day parallel), but now it’s sorta kinda the worst. According to an article published today by ABCNews.com, HIV and AIDS testing is standard practice with all donations. The article covers the American Medical Association’s recent vote to oppose the ban, given today’s technology. The highly educated DOCTORS who comprise the AMA probably understand that that AIDS screening works even for gay blood. Even for the gays.

The thing is this: Saying that gay men constitute a large portion of the AIDS-afflicted population is not discriminatory, it’s just factual. Clumping all gay men into that population, regardless of whether or not they’re infected, IS DISCRIMINATORY. It would be like saying no obese people are allowed to have sugar, because some obese people have diabetes. Except the gays don’t even want sugar. WE WANT TO HAVE A NEEDLE JABBED INTO OUR ARMS IN ORDER TO SAVE LIVES.

For donating blood.

For donating blood.

Some facts on blood shortages, via www.redcrossblood.org:

  • Every two seconds someone in the U.S. needs blood.
  • More than 44,000 blood donations are needed every day.
  • Share of the U.S. population eligible to give blood: Less than 38 percent.
  • Blood cannot be manufactured – it can only come from generous donors.
  • Type O-negative blood (red cells) can be transfused to patients of all blood types. It is always in great demand and often in short supply.

Some facts about me:

  • I don’t have AIDS.
  • I have O-negative blood.

Some theories:

  • I’m probably not the only gay man sans AIDS who wants to donate blood.
  • More lives could be saved if more people donate blood.

Now, I know those are some radical theories, but I think they deserve some looking into. To me, the saddest thing about the FDA’s ban isn’t that it’s discriminatory against the gay community, and it isn’t even that it stops good people from doing a good deed. It’s that for most people, if they were on the operating room table, and they were given the choice between AIDS-screened blood from a gay donor and DEATH… they would probably almost for sure never even once consider for a second as even a possibility not accepting the blood.

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My God, Let Gays Get Married And Be Miserable Like The Rest Of You Already (Pt. 1)

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, I’ve been too busy doing this at every Pride event I can find:

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No, just kidding. I’ve been sick. So the above was a total lie. I’m building an excellent trust-bridge with my readers right now.

Anyyyyywhoooooo, I’ve eluded to the issue of marriage equality in past posts but I’ve yet to talk about it directly. Today’s post will draw from a variety of sources, all giving reasons as to why two same-sex partners tying the knot will destroy the sanctity of marriage – AND THEN THE WORLD!

So, what’s the big idea? Why is gay marriage so horrible?

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Yikes, is there even a point in continuing from here? This is reason #1 on the TFP Student Action site’s list of anti-marriage equality arguments, followed by an eloquent, “Calling something marriage does not make it marriage.” If that’s true… couldn’t I assert, “Calling something ‘not marriage’ does not make it ‘not marriage’”? (Excuse my triple negative and the end punctuation on that sentence – I honestly have no idea what to do there.) Marriage has typically been defined as the union between a man and a woman, true – but remember that time African Americans were defined as 3/5 of a person when it came to voting? THINGS CHANGE. Progress happens.

The list goes on to name gay marriage as A) a violation of natural law, B) a “naturally sterile union,” and C) a fad of the “sexual revolution.”

Yes, yes, same-sex love must be a violation of natural law because it IS in fact a sterile union – no matter how pro-LGBT I am, I can admit: IT’S A HELL OF A LOT HARDER FOR TWO DUDES TO MAKE A BABY THAN IT IS FOR A STRAIGHT COUPLE. But this (like every issue in the world) can be solved by watching Legally Blonde. Remember that scene where Elle argues against a defendant’s paternity claim based solely on his sperm contribution? She counters:

All masturbatory emissions where his sperm was clearly not seeking an egg could be termed reckless abandonment.

My point is this: If equal marriage is wrong because its violation of natural law cannot lead to a child, then isn’t every sexual act that cannot physically lead to a child’s conception considered wrong? Does this mean straight couples have to skip all the bases and run straight to home plate? (I’m so sporty with that reference, ermahgerd.) We can almost certainly rule out masturbation. And what about kissing? That ain’t gon make you a baby. Stop it. Stop it right now! End the kissing, end the madness, end the violation of natural law! From now on, the world’s sexual relations must consist of immediate and brief heterosexual penetration – any deviation can only lead to chaos.

And as for same-sex love being called a “fad” – this should suffice as my response:

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My favorite argument from this site is that gay marriage “offends God.”

DOES IT? DOES IT THOUGH? I’d like to respond to this in three ways.

  1. For a list of things that offend God and that pretty much everyone does, please refer to this hilar HuffPost article. Included on it: eating seafood, getting tattoos, eating pork, getting remarried, and working on the Sabbath. Until you’re clean of all these sins, I’m not sure you can speak as to what does and does not offend God. What’s that quote? John 8:7 – “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone.” Equally important and relevant: “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ a lil gay!” – Honey Boo Boo.
  2. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
  3. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. AGAIN. Because why do people seem to not care about this? IT IS EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS.

Ok, ok, this is a topic worthy of two posts. I have a few other sites I’d like to address as well, so my next post will delve into the arguments regarding children, health, the “slippery slope” concerns, and some other adorable misconceptions homophobes have about marriage equality.

To be continued!

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There Is A “Straight Pride” Group And I Can Only Assume The World Is Ending

Summary: Well, we’ve done it. The LGBT community has made so much progress that, unknowingly, we’ve actually become more privileged than the heterosexual majority. Do not fret, readers! Some heroic, MUCH NEEDED UK heterosexuals have started a Straight Pride group. Like Gay Pride. But straight. Sooooo…….. yikes. If you are an oppressed heterosexual, you can find comfort here, at the Straight Pride website.

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The Queer Response: If this is what the world is coming to, I’m pretty sure I’m ready to die. I have been this shocked and awed by something since last night’s episode of Game of Thrones.

I’m struggling to even put together a cohesive argument against an organization called “Straight Pride.” Like adult Lindsay Lohan, there is NO reason for this group to exist. Since when are heterosexuals the victims of discrimination? Is it even possible, by definition, for a ~90% majority (straights) to be discriminated against by the ~10% minority? FurthermoreIS LOGIC NOW AN OPTIONAL COMPONENT OF THOUGHT PROCESSES? Let’s take a look at some of the gem-like quotes found on the site:

Straight Pride: moving forward for equal heterosexual rights.

Hey! I support equal rights. This sounds like something I could get on board with! What rights are you presently lacking, if I might ask?

[Homosexuals] have the right to take over city streets, dress ridiculously, and parade with danger and contempt.

Oh… I mean, I’m not sure that’s really a unique right of homosexuals? Pretty much anybody can do that. What else is on your mind?

Modern society has come to look down upon the heterosexual mainstream as being unwilling to accept the homosexuals who have chosen to be different.

Oh silly you, it’s not a choice – but that’s its own issue. Now I’m starting to see your point, though! Modern society does look down on straights. That’s why they can’t get married, they can’t get equal benefits for their partners, they can’t adopt children, they don’t have the same employment protection, and straight youth are bullied incessantly because of their sexual orientation. Wait… it’s either straights or non-straights that those things apply to. Someone fact check this!

If gay people have pride, why shouldn’t straight people have it too?

Yea! You’re right! They should have pride. Everyone should be proud to be themselves. No open-minded person would deny that. 

Homosexuals have more rights then others, they also have ‘special rights’ which trump others, cause problems for faith organizations, hotels, alike, heterosexuals must have rights to refuse, it is not ‘homophobic’ or ‘bigoted’ it is a persons right to without fear of being silence or abused.

*than others; **a person’s right

The overall grammatical/syntactical construct of this sentence is appalling. Also, you have “the right to refuse” homosexual ideas. Just like racism isn’t illegal, neither is homophobia. Also, homosexuals have no “special rights” – we’re still working on all those basic ones (see a rather brief list above). Also, every YouTube commenter in the world called; they want their run-on sentences back!

We want the right to march and say that we are straight and proud.

YOU HAVE THIS RIGHT ALREADY. What’s next? Men pining for the right to vote? 16 year olds demanding driver’s licenses? Women requesting equal pay? (OH WAIT, THAT LAST ONE STILL ISN’T A REALITY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?) I’m so mad I can’t even turn off caps lock!!

I’d like to conclude on a positive note. The Straight Pride site has an ah-maze-balls color scheme and I totes approve. I’d say this balances out the overall absurdity of their content, wouldn’t you, readers?

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A Defense of Roy Hibbert, Supposed NBA Homophobe

I’m back from Mexico and I’m still really, really gay. Time to blogggggg!

Summary: Recently, Roy Hibbert (center for the Indiana Pacers) has come under fire for his use of a “gay slur” during an interview after game 6 of the NBA’s Eastern Conference finals. The full story can be found via ESPN.com here, but the quote (poor footage found here at about 0:24) that’s really getting him in trouble is actually rather short:

“I really felt that I let [my teammate] down in terms of having his back when Lebron was scoring in the post or getting to the paint cause he was stretching me out so much… no homo.”

The Queer Response: I might lose a lot of credibility here, but my first response is LITERAL LOL. I mean, you have to give Hibbert credit – it was a well placed “no homo.” Now, let me get all the political correctness out of the way before I get into what I really want to say:

  1. Fine, “no homo” probably isn’t the most respectful thing to say, either publicly or privately.
  2. It sucks that our culture is still one where straight men feel the need to clarify that they are not queer.
  3. Roy Hibbert is a respected athlete, up to whom (whoa, this preposition set up is weird AF – I’m not sure how I feel about this) many kids probably look – he should be careful with the things he says in such a public forum.

Having said all that, my follow up is STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE, EVERYONE. Is “no homo” something over which (why am I doing this with every preposition?!) we should really get our panties and form-fitting briefs in a bunch? If he said, “I hate gay people,” then fine, he’s a homophobe. If he said, “blah blah blah faggot blah,” then fine, I can see where people would be upset over the use of that word. But, like…. “no homo,” readers? At what point do we need to start choosing our battles?

I’d say #2 on the politically correct list of concerns above would be the most common argument against Hibbert. “Why do you feel the need to say ‘no homo’, ROY? Are you so worried about people thinking you’re gayWHY DO YOU HATE GAY PEOPLE AND KITTENS AND ICE CREAM??” What everyone needs to understand is that it was a joke – and a pretty good one at that! He didn’t say it in response to someone questioning his sexuality or in any way trying to legitimately deny a queer orientation. It was a play on words, and I think there are plenty of battles for the LGBTQ community to be fighting without worrying about pun-inspired, slightly inappropriate comments like Hibbert’s. The NBA player also made a full apology, and there’s something to be said for someone owning up to having offended other people, whether it was their intention or not.

“I am apologizing for insensitive remarks made during the postgame press conference after our victory over Miami Saturday night. They were disrespectful and offensive and not a reflection of my personal views. I used a slang term that is not appropriate in any setting, private or public, and the language I used definitely has no place in a public forum, especially over live television. I apologize to those who I have offended, to our fans and to the Pacers’ organization.”

Now, the real crime can be found here, in a tweet sent to Jason Collins, who recently came out of the closet and made history as the first openly gay major pro athlete:

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People are of course getting on to Hibbert about trying to make amends for his offensive statement and blah blah blah, who cares, I’ve already made it clear what my thoughts on the subject are. What has me seething, however, is the fact that Hibbert thought “something’s” was the proper way to write out “some things.” I’m already ignoring the period-instead-of-a-question-mark error in his first sentence and the lack of a subject in his second sentence, because it’s Twitter, and YOLO. But “something’s” is either “something is” or the possessive of “something.” IT’S CERTAINLY NOT *SOME* *THINGS* AS IN MORE THAN ONE “THING.”

And that, readers, is my biggest complaint with Roy Hibbert.

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If The Pokemon Main Character and Rival Were Gay

I’m leaving the country for a week tomorrow, and I won’t have internet, so here’s another fun blog post today (as it will be my last one for awhile). I’ll get back to ripping homophobes some new a**holes soon enough.

Summary of Pokémon

For those of you who never played Pokémon when you were younger, a question:What was even the point of your existence? To sum up the games, you start in a small town where there appears to be exactly one other kid your age, and he is your sworn arch-nemesis. You each get a Pokémon and spend your childhood wandering around ruining each other’s lives, beating the **** out of each other’s Pokémon companions, and generally hating each other more than anything else in the whole world. Like, this is some serious rivalry – I’m tempted to draw a God/Lucifer comparison, but I’m not sure that’s strong enough to describe the absurd degree to which these kids hate each other. Also, there’s typically this cult-like organization – Team Rocket, in the original games – that’s f***ing things up for you so horribly that you go out of your way to literally overthrow the entire group. Oh, and you’re trying to become the best Pokémon trainer ever. YOU’RE LIKE 10 BY THE WAY.

What if everything were just, like, gayer?

It’s kind of hard to write about a 10 year old being gay. Since this kid abandons home at the ripe age of 10 and decides on his own terms that it’s time to be a man, let’s pretend that the characters are a more appropriate age of 16. Let’s also say the protagonist and his rival both happen to prefer hot dogs to tacos. We’ll just play around with that hypothetical for a little. I think we’ll find life gets a whole lot easier. How would the game be different?

  • First, these kids wouldn’t be at each other’s throats every minute of the game. If the only two guys from your hometown are gay - yea, they’re probably gonna hookup. It’s gonna happen. At the very least, they’re gonna be gay BFFs.
  • Second, the newly formed dynamic duo would probably decide to travel the country together instead of individually – which, when you think about it, is A WHOLE LOT SAFER than letting a child roam from city to city alone, fighting grown adults and sleeping in caves and obsessing over catching every species of animal that exists.
  • Third, the pair would collect all 8 Gym Badges in no more than half the time it takes in the heteronormative version of the game. You might be wondering why, and I direct you to my past post explaining how queer men excel when it comes to accessories.
  • Fourth, the free time that opens up from A) completely dominating the Gym Badge challenge, B) not spending all their energy attacking each other, and C) using a buddy system when fighting off these motherf***ers gives our young queer heroes a lot more time for their extracurriculars, which consist mainly of destroying Team Rocket. I mean, we already know it takes just one kid to overthrow these maniacs – I feel like a couple of gays could finish the job in maybe an hour, two max.
  • Fifth, our young queer-oes (queer heroes, roll with it) would probably realize that success isn’t as important as happiness, and they’d settle down together, taking over the Pokémon Day Care once that nice heterosexual senior citizen couple passes away. ORRRRR, THEY’D REALIZE SUCCESS IS HAPPINESS AND THEY’D STORM THE ELITE FOUR AS A PAIR, TAKING IT BY FORCE AND COMPLETELY OVERTHROWING THAT ELITIST OPERATION.
  • Sixth, our new Pokémon Champions would use their recently obtained power (recently obtained by sheer force – let’s call a spade a spade) to put an end to the horrific enslavement of Pokémon that has persisted throughout their country’s history. They start by freeing their own Pokémon, and the rest of the Kanto region is forced to do the same under penalty of imprisonment happily follows suit. Luckily, an improved system is formed over time where, when Pokémon want to, they can still engage in battles, just not to the point of KNOCKING EACH OTHER INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS.
  • Seventh, the pair reforms Kanto’s education system. In the heteronormative version of the game, kids are never in school – they’re usually seen running around the woods and battling Pokémon against each other like total heathens.
  • Eighth, crime is driven to an all time low. With Team Rocket out of the way, the countless “Grunts” enter the non-crime work force and rejuvenate Kanto’s economy.
  • Ninth, the two gays completely transform the nations healthcare system. Whereas before Pokémon Centers were used as free health care centers for Pokémon, they are now available as free health care centers for HUMANS. BECAUSE PRIORITIES.
  • Tenth, marriage equality is legalized, because, well, it would be in an otherwise utopian world, readers.

And just like that, we have a perfect world: Pokémon battles are waged in a more humane way, the economy is booming, crime is down, healthcare, education, and quality of life are up – all because two boys were open about their sexuality.

Yea.

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The Best WORST Ways To Come Out

YAYYYYY THE BOY SCOUTS ARE LETTING ALL THE LITTLE GAY BOYS JOIN! The voting report is here, and my initial coverage on the issue is entitled “5 Reasons Gays Would Make The Best Boy Scouts.” To celebrate, I’m just doing a fun post today. IT’S FUN. DON’T OVER-THINK IT.

Sometimes people ask me whether or not coming out is hard, and honestly, it’s different for every person. However, I have some methods to ease the potentially messy coming-out-process.

1) For a circle of friends ~ The “Under The Bus” Method

Start telling everyone in your friend group that John, another (straight) member of the group, is gay. Gauge their reactions to it; if they aren’t fine with his sexuality, then you really dodged a bullet, huh? If they are fine with it, hit ‘em with a, “Surprise! John’s straight as an arrow. I’m the gay one, me! And now I’m freeeee!” This method is great for if you don’t really care about John so much.

2) For homophobic family ~ The “Aren’t You Glad I’m Not Dying?” Method

Sit your parents down; tell them you have some news you need to share. “I went to the doctor recently… And I’m dying.” They’re shocked! They’re crying their eyes out! They simply cannot cope with this information! And then, just at the right moment – somewhere in between the initial water-works and contacting a specialist for a second opinion on your fictional affliction – hit them with the real news: “I’m kidding, don’t worry; it’s just that I’m gay! See? Things could be much, much worse!” They’ll be so thrilled you’re not biting the dust that they’ll overlook their homophobia. Or never talk to you again.

3) For a large group ~ The “Now You All Know!” Method

Tell each member of the group individually. Include something along the lines of, “You’re the only person I’m telling – I trust you most of all!” You end up completely out, and you’ve earned the very, very intimate trust of every single person you know. What idiots.

4) For a heterosexual boyfriend/girlfriend you were using as a cover-up ~ The “Nobody’s To Blame…” Method

“I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you anymore. I’m gay, and that’s that. It’s not you, it’s me. But I did realize I was gay while I was with you… So yea it’s you. /:”

5) For non-immediate relatives who you barely ever see ~ The “Under A Rock” Method

“Ummm…. I’ve always been out. Where have you been, Uncle Frank? Jesus.”

6) For your anti-gay church, school, or congregation ~ The “Flip-side” Method

This one can be tricky. I’d make sure to have an escape route planned before busting this out. But basically, you just need to quote Kristen Wiig from Bridesmaids: “I’m gay, and you need to accept that! ‘Cause it’s civil rights! This is the 90s!” Followed by a brusque, well-placed “Catch you on the flip-side, motherfuckers!

7) For your straight best friend ~ The “Easy Let Down” Method

Sometimes, when you come out to a straight friend who’s a little ignorant about LGBT individuals, they’re not quite sure what to think. One reaction could be to assume you’re interested in them. You don’t want to hurt this friend’s feelings! I mean, my God, first you’re springing your sexuality on them and then you have to explain how you’re not even interested in them? Try something like this: “You’re one of my best friends. I love you, but I’m not in love with you… Unless you’re in love with me, in which case we could probably make something happen. Think it over. You have my number.” Aaaaaaand somehow  this turned into a proposition. Stick with methods 1-6.

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