YAYYYYY THE BOY SCOUTS ARE LETTING ALL THE LITTLE GAY BOYS JOIN! The voting report is here, and my initial coverage on the issue is entitled “5 Reasons Gays Would Make The Best Boy Scouts.” To celebrate, I’m just doing a fun post today. IT’S FUN. DON’T OVER-THINK IT.
Sometimes people ask me whether or not coming out is hard, and honestly, it’s different for every person. However, I have some methods to ease the potentially messy coming-out-process.
1) For a circle of friends ~ The “Under The Bus” Method
Start telling everyone in your friend group that John, another (straight) member of the group, is gay. Gauge their reactions to it; if they aren’t fine with his sexuality, then you really dodged a bullet, huh? If they are fine with it, hit ‘em with a, “Surprise! John’s straight as an arrow. I’m the gay one, me! And now I’m freeeee!” This method is great for if you don’t really care about John so much.
2) For homophobic family ~ The “Aren’t You Glad I’m Not Dying?” Method
Sit your parents down; tell them you have some news you need to share. “I went to the doctor recently… And I’m dying.” They’re shocked! They’re crying their eyes out! They simply cannot cope with this information! And then, just at the right moment – somewhere in between the initial water-works and contacting a specialist for a second opinion on your fictional affliction – hit them with the real news: “I’m kidding, don’t worry; it’s just that I’m gay! See? Things could be much, much worse!” They’ll be so thrilled you’re not biting the dust that they’ll overlook their homophobia. Or never talk to you again.
3) For a large group ~ The “Now You All Know!” Method
Tell each member of the group individually. Include something along the lines of, “You’re the only person I’m telling – I trust you most of all!” You end up completely out, and you’ve earned the very, very intimate trust of every single person you know. What idiots.
4) For a heterosexual boyfriend/girlfriend you were using as a cover-up ~ The “Nobody’s To Blame…” Method
“I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you anymore. I’m gay, and that’s that. It’s not you, it’s me. But I did realize I was gay while I was with you… So yea it’s you. /:”
5) For non-immediate relatives who you barely ever see ~ The “Under A Rock” Method
“Ummm…. I’ve always been out. Where have you been, Uncle Frank? Jesus.”
6) For your anti-gay church, school, or congregation ~ The “Flip-side” Method
This one can be tricky. I’d make sure to have an escape route planned before busting this out. But basically, you just need to quote Kristen Wiig from Bridesmaids: “I’m gay, and you need to accept that! ‘Cause it’s civil rights! This is the 90s!” Followed by a brusque, well-placed “Catch you on the flip-side, motherfuckers!“
7) For your straight best friend ~ The “Easy Let Down” Method
Sometimes, when you come out to a straight friend who’s a little ignorant about LGBT individuals, they’re not quite sure what to think. One reaction could be to assume you’re interested in them. You don’t want to hurt this friend’s feelings! I mean, my God, first you’re springing your sexuality on them and then you have to explain how you’re not even interested in them? Try something like this: “You’re one of my best friends. I love you, but I’m not in love with you… Unless you’re in love with me, in which case we could probably make something happen. Think it over. You have my number.” Aaaaaaand somehow this turned into a proposition. Stick with methods 1-6.